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How did the cultural experience of studying at boarding school and at Columbia contribute to your sense of identity?
At Kodai where I went to boarding school, and even more so at Columbia, where I went to college, there were students from all over the world, and that exposure to a diversity of cultures, languages, and perspectives was really eye-opening.
For me it helped cultivate a deep sense of empathy – because when you live together, you realise no matter how different people seem to be from you, in fact we are bound by our human samenesses: our desire for a sense of purpose, our desire for a sense of belonging, our desire to feel valued, safe, and loved.
Life in boarding school really taught me to think for myself, to be self-aware and self-sufficient, since you have to look after yourself and make everyday decisions for yourself a bit more than you might if you live at home with your family. It gave me a sense of independence and confidence and accountability at a young age, which I am grateful for.
At college I also had the privilege of listening to and interacting with some of the most accomplished thinkers in the world – every day, you’d be exposed to an incredible new idea, or have an old belief challenged, or have the opportunity to learn more deeply about something you are passionate about. So much learning and unlearning took place on a daily basis. It was easily among the best 4 years of my life.
You experienced life in two uniquely similar yet uniquely different metropolitan cities in the world – Mumbai and New York. How similar or different were these cities with regard to issues we face as women?
Gender inequality is a problem all over the world, but I would say that relatively speaking, relative to most other cities in each country, Mumbai and NYC are cities where women can feel free to be themselves. Of course, there’s a lot of social and economic inequality in both cities too, and that intersects with the experience of gender inequality in problematic ways. But in relative terms, especially with regard to women having sexual and bodily autonomy, Mumbai and NYC at least to me, have felt like safe spaces relative to many other places.
Given your menagerie of talents, how do you choose what projects you work on?
I like to work with people and projects with whom I have shared values, and from whom I have something to learn.
How do you navigate the uncertainty that comes with being a freelancer?
There are days and there are days! Luckily after a few years of starting out, my schedule became pretty consistent with a steady and growing stream of work coming in. But of course being a freelancer comes with its ups and downs. You can potentially earn more money than you would by doing multiple projects for different clients instead of a single salaried job – you never feel that sort of resentful “why I am here just warming a desk on a Monday” feeling – but on the other hand, you have way less job security, and you have to constantly hustle to market yourself, chase pending payments, and get new work.
Personally I love the freedom that comes with being a freelancer – that I get to choose exactly what I work on, and that I neither have a boss nor have to boss anyone around. I have never liked power structures – the ideas of power and hierarchy are so grating to me. In the corporate world, and in society, hierarchies are so deeply entrenched. In the digital world – and I don’t know how long it will stay this way – but at least within the creator ecosystem, there’s still this wonderful sense of collaboration and creativity and team work without power dynamics and hierarchy, which I love.
What has been the most rewarding part of your journey in pursuing your passion till now?
The positive responses I get from viewers, especially when women reach out to say that my content has helped them navigate their own sexuality and sexual health, is extremely rewarding. I’m also delighted that my channel has been recognised by some of India’s top gynaecologists like Dr. Nozer Sheriar, as well as women’s Sexual and Reproductive Health and Rights organisations like FOGSI, IPAS, and Global Health Strategies, as a credible and valuable source of information on sexual health.
What has been the biggest challenge that you’ve faced in your career and how were you able to overcome it?
One of my big challenges was to create content in Hindi. I make content around sex education because we don’t get any comprehensive sex education in school here, I wanted the information to be as accessible as possible to young Indians nationwide. But because I grew up in Goa, Kodai, and NYC, where Hindi is not spoken much, I don’t speak Hindi very well. So I’ve been working hard to get to feeling confident enough to make videos about sex and sexuality (which is hard in any language) – in Hindi – a language that isn’t my first language.
And finally, during the lockdown, I have had enough time to actually be able to make it happen. I’ve been writing new video scripts in English first, then getting friends and family to help me translate each to Hindi, practising the Hindi scripts out loud, and then shooting my own weekly content in Hindi. My first few Hindi videos are now live on my channel. There’s always room for improvement, but I’m so happy to have at least gotten started.
What are the biggest risks and challenges in putting out content on sexuality, periods and mental health - topics that should be normalised to talk about but aren't yet?
As a content creator, you’re always concerned about how audiences will react. you want your content to resonate with people. As an Indian woman talking about sex on the internet, of course you’d be worried that you’d get trolled by misogynists trying to shut you down. The mainstream portrayals of anything to do with sexuality are often so crass, often only for the male gaze, often only with the intent to entertain or titillate, not educate. I think my viewers know that I’m not creating clickbait content, I’m not talking about sex for easy attention or laughs, I’m genuinely trying to start an important conversation, and normalise healthier, more sex-positive attitudes. And this seems to resonate with them, which is what keeps me going!
How do you keep the creativity flowing for your YouTube content?
Sexuality is such a fundamental part of life and human identity that it’s a topic you could never possibly have said everything there is to say about so just the subject itself being so vast means there’s so much left to be discussed at all times. I also take inspiration from conversations and events taking place in the world and in my own life.
How do you separate your own views, judgements and biases about issues from your work, or do you consciously endeavour to not do so?
I try and remain as neutral and judgment-free as possible – and I’m very aware that I’m by no means an expert, I’m just keenly interested in these issues and eager to initiate a conversation because I think they are hugely important issues that need to be talked about. I also try to involve other people as much as possible – whether that is gynaecologists, activists, or people with relevant first-hand experience, especially when approaching issues that I myself may not be adequately qualified to speak on.
What do you think is key to embracing your sexuality?
Seeing sexuality as normal – not shameful or dirty, not funny or embarrassing, or scandalous. Just normal.
In “Whose body is this?” you also point out how inequalities in gender are exacerbated by inequalities in economic class. How do you process this intersubjective reality of gender and class?
I think we all have to be careful that our “wokeness” isn’t just a performance.
For example, we can’t be claiming to be feminists but then perpetuating the oppression of women from lower castes/ classes within our own homes by treating household staff like “servants”. Or for example, we cant be posting #blacklivesmatter in solidarity with the African American community but then use fairness creams, or retain a colourist view with preference to fair skin in our own cultural context. We’ve got to be so conscious of how deep-seated so many of our biases are, and how internalised some of the oppression is, and constantly work to unlearn those biases, not just use the hashtags when they are trending.
What is ethical porn and why do you propagate it?
The fact is that 50% of people today are coming into contact with porn as young as age 10 or 11. Whether we like it or not, porn is the first visual reference point for sex for the majority of people growing up in the internet era. But too often in mainstream porn, whether the clips are amateur or professional, ideas of consent are ambiguous – you can’t be sure whether the act was consensual, whether the clip was consensually filmed, whether the clip was consensually distributed – and that is hugely problematic. Even when produced with consent there’s also all too often the fetishisation of particular racial groups and body types, and it’s all too often created solely for the male gaze, with a glorification of violence and misogyny.
Ethical porn puts consent, safety, and pleasure front and center. There’s also emphasis on the female gaze and female pleasure, and there’s a conscious attempt at representing diversity without fetishising any particular type of body or skin colour, and also without creating the unrealistic body expectations that mainstream studio porn tends to propagate. If you’re curious about ethical porn, google Erika Lust. She’s a Swedish adult filmmaker who really changed the game. Check out her work, and you’ll see what I mean!
What are some other taboos beyond sex, periods and mental health that you want to dismantle in the future?
I’d like to talk more about the need to examine the ways in which we think about religion, caste, and class, and our unconscious biases thereof.
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What does being a Badass mean to you?
For me, being a badass is daring to be true to yourself at all times, no matter what other people think.
Who are some Badass women in your life?
I’m lucky to have a lot of badass women in my life: my mom, my nani, my masi, my little sister – they’re all super badass.
Chimamanda Adichie is also one of my all time favorite badass women.
What would your advice be to someone who is still trying to find their passion and what they want to stand for?
It’s okay not to know.
It’s better to say I don’t know, then to pretend or to latch on to something because it seems cool. Keep seeking. It will find you. You can also have more than one passion, and stand for more than one thing. There are no rules.
How did the cultural experience of studying at boarding school and at Columbia contribute to your sense of identity?
At Kodai where I went to boarding school, and even more so at Columbia, where I went to college, there were students from all over the world, and that exposure to a diversity of cultures, languages, and perspectives was really eye-opening.
For me it helped cultivate a deep sense of empathy – because when you live together, you realise no matter how different people seem to be from you, in fact we are bound by our human samenesses: our desire for a sense of purpose, our desire for a sense of belonging, our desire to feel valued, safe, and loved.
Life in boarding school really taught me to think for myself, to be self-aware and self-sufficient, since you have to look after yourself and make everyday decisions for yourself a bit more than you might if you live at home with your family. It gave me a sense of independence and confidence and accountability at a young age, which I am grateful for.
At college I also had the privilege of listening to and interacting with some of the most accomplished thinkers in the world – every day, you’d be exposed to an incredible new idea, or have an old belief challenged, or have the opportunity to learn more deeply about something you are passionate about. So much learning and unlearning took place on a daily basis. It was easily among the best 4 years of my life.
You experienced life in two uniquely similar yet uniquely different metropolitan cities in the world – Mumbai and New York. How similar or different were these cities with regard to issues we face as women?
Gender inequality is a problem all over the world, but I would say that relatively speaking, relative to most other cities in each country, Mumbai and NYC are cities where women can feel free to be themselves. Of course, there’s a lot of social and economic inequality in both cities too, and that intersects with the experience of gender inequality in problematic ways. But in relative terms, especially with regard to women having sexual and bodily autonomy, Mumbai and NYC at least to me, have felt like safe spaces relative to many other places.
Given your menagerie of talents, how do you choose what projects you work on?
I like to work with people and projects with whom I have shared values, and from whom I have something to learn.
How do you navigate the uncertainty that comes with being a freelancer?
There are days and there are days! Luckily after a few years of starting out, my schedule became pretty consistent with a steady and growing stream of work coming in. But of course being a freelancer comes with its ups and downs. You can potentially earn more money than you would by doing multiple projects for different clients instead of a single salaried job – you never feel that sort of resentful “why I am here just warming a desk on a Monday” feeling – but on the other hand, you have way less job security, and you have to constantly hustle to market yourself, chase pending payments, and get new work.
Personally I love the freedom that comes with being a freelancer – that I get to choose exactly what I work on, and that I neither have a boss nor have to boss anyone around. I have never liked power structures – the ideas of power and hierarchy are so grating to me. In the corporate world, and in society, hierarchies are so deeply entrenched. In the digital world – and I don’t know how long it will stay this way – but at least within the creator ecosystem, there’s still this wonderful sense of collaboration and creativity and team work without power dynamics and hierarchy, which I love.
What has been the most rewarding part of your journey in pursuing your passion till now?
The positive responses I get from viewers, especially when women reach out to say that my content has helped them navigate their own sexuality and sexual health, is extremely rewarding. I’m also delighted that my channel has been recognised by some of India’s top gynaecologists like Dr. Nozer Sheriar, as well as women’s Sexual and Reproductive Health and Rights organisations like FOGSI, IPAS, and Global Health Strategies, as a credible and valuable source of information on sexual health.
What has been the biggest challenge that you’ve faced in your career and how were you able to overcome it?
One of my big challenges was to create content in Hindi. I make content around sex education because we don’t get any comprehensive sex education in school here, I wanted the information to be as accessible as possible to young Indians nationwide. But because I grew up in Goa, Kodai, and NYC, where Hindi is not spoken much, I don’t speak Hindi very well. So I’ve been working hard to get to feeling confident enough to make videos about sex and sexuality (which is hard in any language) – in Hindi – a language that isn’t my first language.
And finally, during the lockdown, I have had enough time to actually be able to make it happen. I’ve been writing new video scripts in English first, then getting friends and family to help me translate each to Hindi, practising the Hindi scripts out loud, and then shooting my own weekly content in Hindi. My first few Hindi videos are now live on my channel. There’s always room for improvement, but I’m so happy to have at least gotten started.
What are the biggest risks and challenges in putting out content on sexuality, periods and mental health - topics that should be normalised to talk about but aren't yet?
As a content creator, you’re always concerned about how audiences will react. you want your content to resonate with people. As an Indian woman talking about sex on the internet, of course you’d be worried that you’d get trolled by misogynists trying to shut you down. The mainstream portrayals of anything to do with sexuality are often so crass, often only for the male gaze, often only with the intent to entertain or titillate, not educate. I think my viewers know that I’m not creating clickbait content, I’m not talking about sex for easy attention or laughs, I’m genuinely trying to start an important conversation, and normalise healthier, more sex-positive attitudes. And this seems to resonate with them, which is what keeps me going!
How do you keep the creativity flowing for your YouTube content?
Sexuality is such a fundamental part of life and human identity that it’s a topic you could never possibly have said everything there is to say about so just the subject itself being so vast means there’s so much left to be discussed at all times. I also take inspiration from conversations and events taking place in the world and in my own life.
How do you separate your own views, judgements and biases about issues from your work, or do you consciously endeavour to not do so?
I try and remain as neutral and judgment-free as possible – and I’m very aware that I’m by no means an expert, I’m just keenly interested in these issues and eager to initiate a conversation because I think they are hugely important issues that need to be talked about. I also try to involve other people as much as possible – whether that is gynaecologists, activists, or people with relevant first-hand experience, especially when approaching issues that I myself may not be adequately qualified to speak on.
What do you think is key to embracing your sexuality?
Seeing sexuality as normal – not shameful or dirty, not funny or embarrassing, or scandalous. Just normal.
In “Whose body is this?” you also point out how inequalities in gender are exacerbated by inequalities in economic class. How do you process this intersubjective reality of gender and class?
I think we all have to be careful that our “wokeness” isn’t just a performance.
For example, we can’t be claiming to be feminists but then perpetuating the oppression of women from lower castes/ classes within our own homes by treating household staff like “servants”. Or for example, we cant be posting #blacklivesmatter in solidarity with the African American community but then use fairness creams, or retain a colourist view with preference to fair skin in our own cultural context. We’ve got to be so conscious of how deep-seated so many of our biases are, and how internalised some of the oppression is, and constantly work to unlearn those biases, not just use the hashtags when they are trending.
What is ethical porn and why do you propagate it?
The fact is that 50% of people today are coming into contact with porn as young as age 10 or 11. Whether we like it or not, porn is the first visual reference point for sex for the majority of people growing up in the internet era. But too often in mainstream porn, whether the clips are amateur or professional, ideas of consent are ambiguous – you can’t be sure whether the act was consensual, whether the clip was consensually filmed, whether the clip was consensually distributed – and that is hugely problematic. Even when produced with consent there’s also all too often the fetishisation of particular racial groups and body types, and it’s all too often created solely for the male gaze, with a glorification of violence and misogyny.
Ethical porn puts consent, safety, and pleasure front and center. There’s also emphasis on the female gaze and female pleasure, and there’s a conscious attempt at representing diversity without fetishising any particular type of body or skin colour, and also without creating the unrealistic body expectations that mainstream studio porn tends to propagate. If you’re curious about ethical porn, google Erika Lust. She’s a Swedish adult filmmaker who really changed the game. Check out her work, and you’ll see what I mean!
What are some other taboos beyond sex, periods and mental health that you want to dismantle in the future?
I’d like to talk more about the need to examine the ways in which we think about religion, caste, and class, and our unconscious biases thereof.
.
What does being a Badass mean to you?
For me, being a badass is daring to be true to yourself at all times, no matter what other people think.
Who are some Badass women in your life?
I’m lucky to have a lot of badass women in my life: my mom, my nani, my masi, my little sister – they’re all super badass.
Chimamanda Adichie is also one of my all time favorite badass women.
What would your advice be to someone who is still trying to find their passion and what they want to stand for?
It’s okay not to know.
It’s better to say I don’t know, then to pretend or to latch on to something because it seems cool. Keep seeking. It will find you. You can also have more than one passion, and stand for more than one thing. There are no rules.
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