Vaginismus is the automatic, involuntary tensing or contracting of the muscles in the vagina. It can make penetration of anything (a tampon, penis, fingers etc) painful and difficult. We aren’t entirely sure why it happens. It may emerge at any point in a person’s life, regardless of whether they have had intercourse before.

1. How can I know if I have vaginismus?

Pain during penetration may be a different medical concern, when dealing with your body; I advise speaking to a physician first. Dealing with vaginismus may be a slow process - cognitive-behavioural therapy, using dilators, kegel exercises, sex therapy are avenues that should be explored if you have been diagnosed. It is sometimes also an anxious or trauma response to sexual intimacy. It is not your fault. 

It's also completely normal to experience some discomfort during intercourse or when using tampons, and there's no need to feel embarrassed or ashamed about seeking help. Your health and well-being are important, and it's important to take care of yourself both physically and emotionally.

As mentioned, it is an involuntary bodily reaction. You have no control over it. Go to a doctor first, then go to a therapist – they will help you meet your needs. Treatment commonly includes pelvic floor physical therapy, vaginal dilators, counselling or therapy to address any psychological factors, relaxation techniques, such as breathing exercises or meditation, topical numbing agents or lubricants to reduce pain during penetration, sex therapy to improve communication and sexual techniques with a partner, and medications, such as muscle relaxants, to help relax the vaginal muscles during intercourse. 

And remember, there are numerous other ways to have pleasurable intimacy, for all partners, that do not require penetration. 

2. I used to be quite sexual in my early 20s. Then in my late 20s a boyfriend got me into BDSM which wasn’t my thing, but I went with it anyway. While I managed to get out of the relationship, I haven’t been able to have sex or masturbate and I have what seem to me signs of vaginismus. I’m too embarrassed to share this with a doctor because of the BDSM angle. What’s wrong with me?

It sounds like dealing with this has been challenging. When we’re in relationships, sometimes we feel like we have to go along with what our partner wants - even if we’re uncomfortable. Feelings of discomfort have the potential to sit inside us and come out in psychosomatic ways. Psychosomatic refers to a condition where an individual feels physical pain or discomfort - brought on by psychological stress. Vaginismus comes onto the scene during penetration, however a discomfort with self-pleasure or other forms of sex points to a lack of synchronicity in a person’s thoughts and emotions. I suggest reflecting on your comfort with intimacy, new thoughts and feelings that may be emerging for you and processing them. Vaginismus is commonly an outcome of psychological discomfort. 

You do not have to give the specifics of your sex life to your gynaecologist. The important information for your doctor to have is if you’ve had comfortable penetrative sex before, how long the pain has been there, life events that may have triggered it (ending of a relationship), and descriptions of the pain. Regaining your comfort and ensuring you have pleasurable sex may require a dual effort - getting a diagnosis for vaginismus (so that all other physical health concerns are ruled out) and proceeding to get support during your personal exploration. 

I would like to note that since I can’t ascertain the severity of the impact of this relationship on you - and situations like these have a higher likelihood of violence or other forms of abuse - you may benefit from speaking with a mental health professional. 

24x7 Gender based violence Crisis Line

8793088814 

Aks Foundation – Helpline for Abuse