Once upon a time (a couple of days back) while lunching (slurping Maggie at the college canteen) with my girl friends, we found ourselves completely failing the Bechdel test (1) and talking about boys and relationships. For a bunch of single women, we had a lot to say on the matter. Which made me question why we were all single in the first place. How is it that a bunch of (if we do say so ourselves) brilliant and beautiful women are actively not dating. Upon further questioning I found out the most common reason- there’s just no good guys out there.

It is a well-known fact that Gen Z (2) is dating and engaging in sex less than previous generations. And while there are a number of reasons for this change in behaviour and/or preference, I believe the one major reason for women is we seem to have developed standards for who we date. It took us a while, but we got there. Now the question is, have we gone overboard?

We have grown up witnessing romantic relationships, around us, in the media, at our homes. And for a lot of women, as much as we love our fathers, we know they are not the best husbands. Romantic relationships on screen and on pages have forever been a favourite amongst women and queer people. Because fiction, and specifically fan-fiction, is for the girls and the gays, sections of society who are not used to seeing good representations of them in media history. We've seen the rise of book boyfriends and the “demand” in 6’5” guys with blue eyes, but what do they represent? More than anything, I believe it shows that women in general have started to prioritise themselves in and out of romantic relationships. The women of this generation have been taught to become the masters of the home, the workplace and their own happiness. More and more, society has been teaching women to be self-fulfilled in all facets of their lives. Therefore, if they plan on bringing someone to share their lives with, it has to be a worthy addition.

There seems to be a significant difference between the happiness levels in single men and single women. Studies show while married men have shown higher levels of satisfaction and happiness, it is the opposite for women. In empowering our women to de-centre men, we have inadvertently taught them to raise their standards which threatens the patriarchal society. The society which has always taught women to be happy with less. Less payment for the same job a man does, less recognition, less space and it's the same for when it comes to relationships. Which is why as we learn to unlearn that, we see people trying to uphold the old status quo with things like the Keeper dating standard tests, which tells you what percentage of people meet your dating standards in the US. And to be honest, I have attempted the test with as low standards as my 19-year-old self (which was LOW), and still received the same answer as when I attempted the test with incredibly high standards. It’s safe to say that these tests are built to scare women into “managing their expectations”. One of my teachers in college recently taught the class that if you can’t sell something by invoking desire, use fear. Which is what these reactions come across as. A desperate attempt at scaring women into settling into unfulfilling relationships. 

Having said that, I do not deny the possibility of some women actually having unrealistic standards. It is quite a new thing for most of us to know that we can be choosers rather than just being the ones chosen. I feel like we all have immeasurably high standards while simultaneously having no standards at all. I have swiped left on guys for having not enough ‘y’s in his ‘heyyy’ but I have also obsessed over guys who would take weeks to text me back. Understanding yourself and your needs comes above all else. Which is why developing adequate standards is essential in finding clarity in life and retaining respect for yourself.  

Footnotes: 

(1) Bechdel test - a way of evaluating whether or not a work of fiction portrays women in a way that is sexist or characterised by gender stereotyping. To pass the Bechdel test a work must feature at least two women, these women must talk to each other, and their conversation must concern anything other than a man. To know more about the bechdel test, read here. 

(2) Gen Zers between the age of 20 and 24 were more likely than both millennials and Gen Xers to report having had no sexual partners. 15 percent said they were sexually inactive, compared with only 6 percent of Gen Xers when they were the same age.

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References: 

Newsweek | Harvard Health | Psychology Today | Times of India

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