When Vanilla steps out of the freezer and into the bedroom, for most people it’s time to break out the cuffs! But, BDSM (bondage, discipline, dominance, and submission) is more than just a Fifty Shades of Gray trope. It’s a lifestyle. A kink. And most importantly- a CHOICE! So, for us girls worried about endangering our feminism in the bedroom, we decided to explore one of it’s most controversial manifestations- choking. Yes, fighting for air- not because you haven’t hit the gym- but because your partner has their hands around your throat, is a thing!

FIRST, LET'S HIT THE BASICS- WHAT’S HOT ABOUT ASPHYXIATION!?

Choking in BDSM lingo is breath play. It’s not as uncommon as it seems, and you shouldn’t shy away from giving it a shot. Why? Well, according to Ian Kerner, a sex counselor and psychotherapist, “The rush of breath that comes after being choked releases endorphins, which combine with the neurochemical cocktail of sex to create a feeling of heightened exhilaration.” So, in simple terms it can leave you feeling good and wanting more. But, sex is more than just hormones. The burning question then remains-why would you want to be choked?

THE CHOKEHOLD & THE PSYCHOLOGY BEHIND IT.

Outside the bedroom, the choker is obviously more powerful, deadly even. S/he could snuff you out in mere seconds. But, context matters. We’re talking about role play- where there is trust, communication and most importantly consent. This means that you’re not literally risking your neck. You’re allowing your partner to exercise control over you. Choking then becomes an act of surrender.

“I love that for a little while, I don’t have to analyse and make the decisions. It’s like a roller coaster ride – if I was in charge of the ride, I wouldn’t be able to enjoy it in the same way that the passengers do.”
- From the diaries of a sexual submissive

Your partner’s authority isn’t owed to them or demanded by them. It’s given, and earned out of the trust built between you. This doesn’t mean you’re a passive spectator. Maybe, you’re not driving the car, but you are definitely the GPS determining the route! Contrary to popular fear, dominance isn’t self serving.

“The most important thing is using the sub’s surrender to turn her on.”
- Matt, a practicing dominant.

When you “submit” you don’t give in to someone’s whims and fancies. You play an active role, by making yourself the focus of his/her attention. It’s their job then to make the experience pleasurable for you. Feels a bit off though, right? We’re fighting to break the glass ceiling outside those bedroom walls, only to cede control here. Should we just hand our feminist badges in?

IS YOUR FEMINISM IN DANGER?

“Was there something wrong? There had to be! I was an independent, fiercely strong and determined woman. I was a very proud feminist. Yet I craved submission”

- Lucy Bee

If you’re feeling like Lucy, then ask yourself two questions:

1) Did I choose this? Of my own free will?

2) Do I enjoy this?

Choice and pleasure are the principle pillars of empowerment. If you answered yes to both, then we think your feminist conscience can rest easy. Remember, submission requires confidence in your sexuality, which allows you to pass authority in the bedroom knowing that it doesn’t change things outside it.

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