Celibacy keeps coming back in our news headlines one way or another. With Bumble’s recent faux pas of a campaign and famous personalities like Julia Fox talking candidly about her experience with two and a half years of saying no to the ‘horizontal tango’, the concept of celibacy is often misunderstood as a part or an extension of the incel culture.

Once considered an indicator of purity is now, in the modern world, a woman’s solution to prioritize themselves. An exceptional number of women and non-binary folks are choosing to abstain from sex for various reasons. Some choose celibacy to de-center men in their lives and seek fulfillment in other areas. For others, abstinence provides a chance to heal from trauma and negative past experiences. Additionally, some individuals prefer to avoid today’s dating culture, which often emphasizes hookups, and instead focus on personal growth and well-being.

The term incel (INvoluntarily CELibate) first gained popularity in 1997 when a woman from Canada, created a website called “Alana’s Involuntary Celibate Project” as a space for people like her. People struggling to form relationships, sexual or otherwise. It became a supportive place for both men and women to share their experiences with loneliness. This was a time when internet spaces were quite new and social interaction was still very close to real life communication, where people maintained a sense of civility and responsibility. But as we know, things have since changed. Incel forums soon transformed into spaces for men to convey their extremist ideas on how feminism and ‘foids’ (a slur used by incels to describe women) are to blame for their lack of success in finding romantic attachment. Another reason to bully women out of these forums was their belief that women could never be involuntarily celibate (aka incel) because they “had it easy” in life.

By 2007, a time when more and more people started joining the online world, the femcel community picked up. The rise in the “not like other girls” sentiment and the “guy’s girl” tropes in media fueled the femcels belief that they didn’t have any luck in the dating world because they were just “different” or “special”. 

Where incels struggle to “get with” any women, femcels often struggle to get the particular ‘type’ of men they want. 

While there are tons of differences between incels and femcels, one thing both communities agree on is that the reason behind their struggles is their lack of physical attractiveness; leading incels to envy the “Chads” (a name for conventionally attractive men) and femcels to target the “Stacys” (a term for conventionally attractive women). 

When faced with rejection, while incels often feel angry and externalize their emotions by acting out, femcels often end up internalizing and blaming themselves. Why such a difference in reactions? Because gender socialization impacts how we cope with rejection. Society has always deemed men as ‘choosers’ and women as the ones who are ‘chosen’.

At a fundamental level incel forums are problematic because they are designed to project women as subhuman which breeds this toxic, violent rage towards women. This threat is so severe that a horrifying number of murders and injuries, caused by self-proclaimed incels like Elliot Rodger and Alec Minassian, have resulted in the National Intelligence Society of Australia to call out incels to be a potential threat to national security. 

Femcel forums and the type of discourse they foster brings forth a different kind of danger- a danger to their own minds. Femcel forums are extremely transphobic, deeming transwomen imposters. Many women in these communities are justifiably angry at the constant sexualization of female bodies. They have often faced trauma at the hands of men or struggle to find sex and connection. This anger and frustration can lead to a pervasive man-hating sentiment, resulting in widespread misandry.

The saddest part about this evolution is that these forums started as a means of support. Talking about our frustrations and anxieties can help break down barriers to find genuine connection and maybe even solutions. But the forums today are like sickening addictions. People are drawn to them because they feel lonely but the spaces in turn end up making them feel even more isolated by solidifying their belief that they are not ‘normal’ and therefore should not share these feelings and concerns with friends and family. In our pursuit for affection and companionship, how have we managed to fall this deep into an echo chamber of toxic idolisation? Where does our entitlement and contempt come from? How long can we afford to blame the Chads and the Stacys for our misery? And when will we be ready to look within? 

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References:

YouTube | Campaign India | BBC | The University of Western Australia | The Cut

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