How do you leave a relationship that is abusive, but not physically; how do you explain to people that even though you were never hit, you’re still bruised? Well, sometimes we fail to recognise patterns of emotional and verbal abuse, and tend to get traumatised in a relationship without realising that we need to escape it. Emotional abuse and verbal abuse are forms of mistreatment that occur in interpersonal relationships, often within close or intimate partnerships, families, or social circles. They are characterised by the use of harmful behaviours and language that aim to control, manipulate, or demean the victim's emotions, self-esteem, and overall well-being. While emotional and verbal abuse are distinct, they often overlap and can coexist in an abusive relationship.

A relationship is emotionally abusive when there is a perpetual pattern of abusive words and bullying that destroys a person's self-esteem and undermines their mental health. The purpose of emotional abuse is to exert power and control the other person by discrediting, isolating, and silencing them. It is one of the hardest forms of abuse to recognize as it can be subtle and insidious, thereby leaving no tangible proof of the same.

Signs of Emotional Abuse in a relationship

Emotional abuse involves the persistent pattern of behaviours intended to undermine a person's self-worth, sense of identity, and emotional stability. It may include:

1. Insults and derogatory remarks

Constantly belittling, mocking, or humiliating the victim, attacking their appearance, intelligence, or abilities.

2. Gaslighting

Manipulating the victim's perception of reality, causing them to doubt their own memory, judgement, or sanity.

3. Intimidation

Using threats, gestures, or looks to create fear or anxiety in the victim.

4. Isolation

Isolating the victim from friends, family, or support networks, limiting their social interactions, and controlling their access to information or resources.

5. Control

Exerting excessive control over the victim's actions, decisions, finances, or daily activities.

6. Emotional blackmail

Manipulating the victim's emotions, guilt, or sense of obligation to gain compliance or control.

7. Withholding affection

Intentionally withholding love, attention, or support to punish or manipulate the victim.

Verbal abuse involves the use of spoken or written language to attack, belittle, or degrade the victim. It may include:

1. Name-calling

Using derogatory or offensive language to insult or degrade the victim.

2. Yelling or shouting

Raising one's voice aggressively to intimidate or instill fear.

3. Threats

‍Expressing an intention to harm the victim physically, emotionally, or socially.

4. Constant criticism

Habitually finding fault, criticising, or blaming the victim, regardless of their actions or efforts.

5. Mockery or sarcasm

‍Ridiculing the victim through scornful remarks, sarcasm, or gestures.‍

6. Public humiliation

Embarrassing or demeaning the victim in front of others, intentionally damaging their reputation or self-esteem.

7. Verbal intimidation

Using words, tone, or volume to frighten or coerce the victim into compliance.

Emotional Abuse in romantic relationships can look like:

1. Unrealistic Expectations

Your partner makes unreasonable demands, expects you to put all things aside to meet their needs, wants to spend all time together, criticises you for not doing things up to their standards, and when you bring up an issue, they either invalidate you or ask you for the exact words or time of the event. If at all, you don’t remember that, they make it seem like you’re making it up and blaming them for something they didn’t do.

2. Invalidates You

‍Your partner refuses to accept your feelings by trying to define how you should feel, wants you to explain how you feel over and over, accuses you of being "too sensitive," "too emotional," or "crazy", thinks that your perceptions are wrong or that you cannot be trusted by saying things like "you're blowing this out of proportion" or "you exaggerate" and accusing you of being selfish, needy, or materialistic if you express your wants or needs 

3. Creates Chaos

Your partner likes starting arguments for the sake of arguing, making confusing and contradictory statements, has sudden emotional outbursts, likes to nitpick at your clothes, hair, work, and more and behaves so erratically and unpredictably that you feel like you are walking on eggshells.

4. Acts Superior

You often catch them treating you like you are inferior, blaming you for their mistakes and shortcomings, doubting everything you say and attempting to prove you wrong, making jokes at your expense, talking down to you or being condescending and acting like they are always right, know what is best, and are smarter than you.

5. Controls and Isolates You

Your partner controls who you see or spend time with, including friends and family, monitors you digitally, including text messages, social media, and email, accuses you of cheating and being jealous of outside relationships, uses jealousy and envy as a sign of love and to keep you from being with others and expects you to spend all your time together.

How to deal with an emotionally abusive relationship?

There are many reasons why you may find it difficult to escape a relationship like this, including: threats from the abuser, believing that it would be better to stay together if you two have children, financial instability, lack of family or community support, or even a lack of self-esteem and/or believing you don't deserve better.

Here are some tips that may help get out of an emotionally abusive relationship:

1. Recognize the abuse: Acknowledge and understand that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. Educate yourself about the signs and patterns of emotional abuse to gain clarity and validate your experiences. This awareness is crucial for taking necessary steps towards change.
2. Establish boundaries: Set clear boundaries to protect yourself from further emotional harm. Communicate your limits and expectations to your partner, expressing what behaviour is unacceptable. Be firm in enforcing these boundaries and prioritise your emotional well-being.
3. Seek support: Reach out to trusted friends, family members, or professionals who can provide support and guidance. Confide in someone who can offer a non-judgmental perspective and help you navigate the complexities of the relationship. Consider seeking therapy or counselling to help you heal and develop coping strategies.
4. Prioritise self-care: Focus on self-care activities that promote your emotional and physical well-being. Engage in activities that bring you joy, reduce stress, and boost your self-esteem. Take time for self-reflection, practice self-compassion, and explore personal growth opportunities.
5. Plan your exit strategy: If the emotional abuse continues and there is no prospect of positive change, it may be necessary to consider leaving the relationship. Ensure your safety by creating a well-thought-out exit strategy. This might involve seeking legal advice, securing financial independence, and establishing a support network to assist you during the transition.

What does the healing process look like?

Healing after an emotionally abusive relationship takes time and self-care. Here are some steps you can take to support your healing process:

1. Acknowledge and validate your emotions

‍Give yourself permission to feel the range of emotions that may arise, such as anger, sadness, confusion, or even relief. Recognize that your feelings are valid and understandable considering what you have experienced.

2. Seek support

‍Reach out to a supportive network of friends, family, or a therapist who can provide a safe space for you to express your feelings and experiences. Talking about your emotions and sharing your story can be cathartic and help you gain perspective.

3. Set boundaries and prioritise your well-being

‍Establish clear boundaries in all aspects of your life to protect yourself from further harm. Learn to prioritise your own needs and make self-care a priority. Saying no to situations or people that don't serve your well-being is essential.

4. Process your emotions

‍Engage in healthy coping mechanisms to process your emotions, such as journaling, art, mindfulness, or physical activities like exercise or yoga. These outlets can help release pent-up emotions and promote healing.

5. Take it at your own pace

‍Healing is a personal journey, and it's important to honour your own pace. Be patient with yourself and celebrate even small victories along the way. Healing is not linear, and there may be setbacks, but keep moving forward. 

6. Support and Resources

• NCW’s Emergency WhatsApp Number to Report Abuse: 7217735372
• Women Helpline Domestic Abuse – 181
• Women Helpline ( All India ) – 1091
• National Commission For Women (NCW): 011-26942369/26944754
• National Human Right Commission: 011-23385368/9810298900
• Mumbai Police Women Helpline No.: 022-22633333/22620111
• Maharashtra Women Commission (http://mscw.org.in/): 07477722424/022-26592707
• Maharashtra Women Commission (http://mscw.org.in/): 07477722424/022-26592707
• Delhi Commission for Women: 011-23379181/23370597
• Delhi Women Protection Cell: 011-24673366/4156/ 7699

References 

1. Legal Service India 
2. Talkspace 
3. Psychcentral
4. WebMD